suicide_bear: Me, slowly turning into a zombie bear. (The Becoming)
Despite popular belief, I do not and did not stagger on July 4th and fall into dishes. That was that fucking klutz Mikaela. She doesn't drink often because of that pansy-ass shit she has to stab into her stomach every week, so when she does boy does she get drunk fast. And she probably smoked too much of the ganja, too. Oh well, she's been replacing her stoneware with plastic for her stupid hands to hold better anyhow. No fucking harm done anyhow, apart from the liars claiming I was drunk, high, and staggering. Want to know what I was doing? Having only TWO glasses of a fine pinot noir and reading her Indian cookbook and converting the chicken recipes to human flesh. Bitch better sleep with one eye open, now.

A blinkie of me innocently reading a book, sitting atop my name.
suicide_bear: Me smoking a joint. (joint)
Mikaela and I are having a fucking bad day, today. We woke up at 3:00 like we do every morning, she fell hard, and I am just a little bear. You know? I couldn't get her up. I felt helpless, which is how I guess she feels when it happens, I don't personally like having feelings of any kind, and she isn't the happiest right now for soooooooooooo many reasons, bur == she;s been respectful toward myself so I won't cross any lines and say why she's unhappy. I will say that once Joellen's fucking horribly annoying voice goes away, our Xanax ought to have kicked in then... then we'll crawl into a rather expensive bubble bath, lounge back and go a little vacay to a place called Valley of Oblivion, where nobody is required to given a shit. I fact, I'm fairly certain shit-giving is considered a felony there.
Me, sad and beaten up.
A 3D black glitter which changes from turquoise circles to dark purple ones, then back again reading: The Bear & Mikaela.

-The Bear
suicide_bear: A street sign reading 37th Street and Psycho Path. (37th & Psycho)
Me smoking a joint with the Evil Queen watching over my shoulder.
suicide_bear: Me, slowly turning into a zombie bear. (The Becoming)
~*The Best Random Survey Ever*~
Created by 101candygirl and taken 291 times on Bzoink
What is the main thing that makes/made you want to go to school?: Fleshy teachers.
What was the best present that you have ever gotten?: My soulless mates, Sin and Agatha.
What is your favorite magazine?: Cannabilism & Fine Wines
If you could have any pet in the world, what kind would you get?: A lobster, with garlic butter for dipping.
What was the first CD that you bought?: Some 4-Non Blondes shit. Don't judge!
Do you have a favorite type of water? What type?: The kind with fermented grapes in it.
What do you think of the Jonas Brothers?: Delish!
Describe your favorite pair of sunglasses.: I see them laying in an abandoned field, next to my most recent dinner's remains...
What is your favorite cereal?: Wife Crispies.
What was your favorite Halloween costume?: Do you think I fucking need one? Come on!
Do you like cats?: Too many fleas. And they kind of freak me out, to be honest.
What is your favorite song right now?: "The Lord is a Monkey" by Butthole Surfers. Mikaela, you have some fucked up shit on this computer.
How often do you read for fun?: Wh- wh- what is this "fun" you speak of?
Do you read the newspaper?: Sometimes, if it's ledgible after I've cleaned my face and paws with it.
What color car do you own/want?: A yellow and red Tonka bug.
What do you think of the show American Idol?: American Idiot.
Who was your least favorite teacher?: Mikaela's seventh grade maths teacher. She tasted like a fucking vegan.
Is there a song that you absolutely late?: I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. (((earworm)))
Do you like dancing? Have you ever taken a dance class?: Uh, no.
If you won a million dollars what would you buy first?: Adele.
What color is your bedspread?: I don't have my own but I'm currently using Jaimie's black and white blanket.
What kind of phone do you have?: A Hello Kitty fucking iPhone.
What was the weirdest show that you watched as a kid?: When Polar Bears Attack. Ok, first of all, they don't attack. They're total pansies.
Do you like country music?: Noooo! Shit! If your wife left again, the dog ran away, your gun don't shoot, you're drunk again, and your momma don't love you... maybe you're the issue.
What color socks are you wearing?: I'm not.
Do you remember what you last took a picture of?: I was smoking a joint and giving the finger but Mikaela erased it.
What time do you normally get up at?: Whenever the fuck I want.
At what time do you normally go to bed?: See above.
How often do you text?: Rarely.
What is something that you did, but quit or left early?: Paris Hilton. I'm not explaining this one.
You've been totally Bzoink*d!
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suicide_bear: Me taking a bong hit... before eating orphans. (BONG HIT)
Mikaela has a very sore mouth and face. So, being a bear of extreme intelligence, I decided to write her a poem to cheer her up, and also because if not for her I'd not have my soullessmates. So let me see here...

Blood drops are red
Coffins are black
I'll take all your neighbors
Stab them in the back
And eat all their flesh
In a yummy mince pie.
You can have some too
There's no need to cry.
Except for your mouth
is so sad and so sore.
I'll feed you Joellen
Because she's a big whore.
But if nosy neighbor
Is not to your taste
I'll come up with another
With zeal and great haste.
How about animals?
They're sweet and they're fine.
I've heard that pureed kitten
Is really divine.

There. You better appreciate it, you bitch. I stole a joint from you to write that.
suicide_bear: Me taking a bong hit... before eating orphans. (BONG HIT)
I smoked a blunt last night. I felt all gangsta and shit. Mikaela wasn't too pleased because she thought I'd lit cat shit on fire and was smoking that, until I showed her the cherry blunt papers I'd managed to sneak into her grocery cart (she has a huge purse and not much in it, so I had hidden myself and grabbed things I needed off shelves and stuck them in the cart when she wasn't looking). She apologized, like a little bitch, and wondered why cat shit would smell like cherries. Herp derp derp. Fucking genius, this one is. *points to Mikaela over shoulder* But, being decent as I can muster toward her, for her letting me stay here and not treating me like shit, I offered her some. Then we listened to metal music. I must say, I really do like "Jesus Christ Homosexual" by Corporate Avengers, "The Bondage Song" by London After Midnight, and anything by Rob Zombie. But I got a bad case of the munchies. Thank goodness my lock-picking skillz are so up to date. I wonder how long before the feds find the bodies, snug and cold in their beds? Oh, and I highly recommend "Firestarter" by Prodigy. That is all.
suicide_bear: A bear holding a dead lady.  Text reads: HUNGER (hunger)
Some of my associates in another house have just offered me a proposition. I come over and stay with them for a day or two...And get to eat their math professor.

I've already mentioned here my utter and complete disdain for the taste of math professor as a dish. However, this would be a matter of population control, since my associates explained to me that she does not get the concept of test anxiety and is stupid enough to act as if they simply do not understand the concepts involved when nontest grades show otherwise. So, perhaps I would be doing the world a favor by eating a snack. Then it would be a win-win situation for us all.

I'm only sad I couldn't bring my soulless mate Agatha with me. Or Sin. She'd enjoy that too, but this is a one bear affair. My associates made that clear.

So, today I'm digging through all of Mikaela's cookbooks, searching...and not finding a single recipe for a marinade or topping that goes well with the numberful taste of math professor. Ugggh. Do any of you know any? I would imagine the one I use on smoked hooker would almost work. But gonorrhea has a slightly different tang than algebraic equations. Whatever will I do.

Also, I'm stuffing Mikaela's iPhone up my ass for the journey. I finally managed to get the Hello Kitty case off mine, and have replaced it with something more... fitting.

Also, I was surfing around the bay of evil, and found this but since the person cannot even fucking spell the word bloody properly, I hold out little hope for the awesomeness of the item. *Sigh* Maybe I should eat that seller too while I am gone.
suicide_bear: A teddy in the attic. Text: Trauma: life in the attic. (Attic)
Don't let it bring you down.
Created by chasingghosts and taken 56 times on Bzoink
Are you any good at packing a suitcase?: Very. I can even pack myself into a suitcase and zip it from the inside.
What are you hungry for right now, if anything?: Human flesh alongside a nice pinot noir.
Have you ever had a white hot chocolate? What did you think?: Absolutely not! Do I look like some kind of pansy-ass chocolate-lover?!
What will you be doing in twenty minutes from now?: Brooding.
Is there anybody in your house's bathroom right now?: Nobody.
Do you ever get eczema?: I get the mange.
What's your opinion on Miley Cyrus' new look?: I wouldn't eat that ugly, attention-seeking loser for anything. Yuck!
Have you ever witnessed a serious physical fight?: I've started many.
How much does gas cost in your area?: It's free. *fart*
Are you a fidgety sort of person?: Very.
What was the last thing you ordered at a restaurant?: A filet mignon, raw, a berry and truffle salad with a creamy dressing and a bottle of Jack.
Do you know how the politics of your country work?: The politics in the Land of Attic are pretty straight-forward. You're fucked. The entire Land is fucked.
How do you like to spend your alone time?: Jacking off.
Have you ever mowed a lawn?: Unless this is an innuendo, no.
Is there anyone you would do literally anything for?: hahaha NO.
On average, how many hours a day do you spend online? : Most of them. There isn't jack shit to fucking do here.
Is there an aquarium in your town or city?: There are two in this condo.
Have you ever done a "knock-and-run" prank?: Kind of. But they came after me and I had my machete ready.
When was the last time you were yelled at? What had you done wrong?: I get yelled at daily for trying to eat people.
Do you enjoy corn on the cob?: I enjoy Korn on the cob. Metal artists taste awesome!
Is there anything good on television at this very moment?: When Animals Attack. *fap fap fap*
What's your mood like today?: Surly.
Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes for someone underage?: Yes, and I am not proud of it, but hell they fell for my trap and made delicious dinner.
If you haven’t, would you ever do so?: ...
Under what circumstances do you think it would be okay?: Hunger!
Do you do your laundry regularly, or do you let it pile up?: I'm a bear for fuck's sake! I don't HAVE laundry.
Did you ever play Habbo Hotel when you were younger?: I played Life in the Attic. It sucked.
What about Neopets?: I once got carried off and chewed on by the family beagle, if that counts.
What's your favourite Thanksgiving dish?: The person stuffing the turkey.
Have you ever had the privilege of sleeping in a waterbed?: No. I wish! My claws would make that a bad idea.
Have you ever had to comfort a friend over the death of a loved one?: I laugh when people die.
When did you last watch fireworks? Did you kiss someone underneath?: I ate someone beneath them nine nights ago. It was awesome.
In your opinion, what's the ideal age to start having children?: They taste best around the age of 18-months, when they're chubby and juicy and put up a bit of a fight.
Have you ever stabbed a friend in the back, intentionally or not?: Literally and intentionally.
Do you have a account? If so, what's your opinion of it?: What's that mean? Last Fucking Moron?
Are you a seafood person?: I like sailor if I need something salty.
Have you ever had to lick a ton of postage stamps and envelopes?: Now why would I do that when I have Agatha? GET TO LICKING, WOMAN!
What's the longest you've ever slept in one go?: Sixteen hours on a park bench in Russia after a very hefty meal of cop.
Do you check the weather forecast everyday?: I could give a shit less. It's weather. Not like checking it can change it.
How far away does your best friend live?: He's dead. :o(
What did you have for breakfast this morning?: Joellen. It was a complex flavor mix of bitterness, goo, and something like how old people smell.
Have you ever dated someone with an accent different than yours?: I have an English accent and Agatha has had her tongue cut out. Does that count?
What’s the worst thing you've ever smelled?: Roses.
How long does your phone last before needing to be charged?: Well the one I'm borrowing right now needs it every other day 'cause I'm on it a lot.
Have you ever worked two jobs at once?: Eating and beating.
Who does most of the housework around your house?: AGATHA! GET TO WORK, DAMMIT!
How many glasses of water do you drink a day?: I dislike water. Is there water in wine?
Documentaries: interesting or boring?: I like the ones about serial killers and stuff.
What brand is your desktop or laptop?: I'm using an HP right now.
Have you ever spoken badly about someone then realised they were behind you: No, they were right in front of me.
Do you enjoy the smell and taste of cinnamon?: TIGERS HATE CINNAMON! THEY LOVE PEPPER! But yeah, I do.
If you use Snapchat, have you ever had a screenshot taken of you?: I thought that read snapsnatch and was going to say I've probably used it.
Who were you last in a car with and where were you going?: 1957, to get ice cream.
How old is your youngest cousin?: I have no family.
When was the last time you ate tacos?: I ate a Mexican in a taco a week ago. With salsa verde. Highly reccommended.
Does caffeine effect you, or not so much?: I don't drink it. I'm wound up enough. And it gives me the runs.
Who was the last person you annoyed?: Everyone.
Do you have central air in your home?: No, it's noncentrical. Asshat.
What is your favourite flavour of cake?: Mince pie. Like the kind in "Sweeney Todd".
Do you make your bed everyday?: AAAAGATHAAAA! MAKE THE FUCKING BED!
You've been totally Bzoink*d!
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A 3D graphic Mikaela made for me of The Bear with blood dripping down the lettering.
suicide_bear: Me taking a bong hit... before eating orphans. (BONG HIT)
I'm in a bit of a pinch, you see. Mikaela has let me stay at her place, which confuses me. People are not often nice to or accepting of psychotic teddy bears (except those orphans in Russia I once found myself among). But the orphans had it coming; they chewed on me and tugged at my limbs and sat on me and stuff. Mikaela doesn't do that, so I don't feel it would be right to feast on her. Though there is plenty to feast on. (No Bear, stop thinking like that! Bad Bear, baaaad.) And she introduced me to my mail-order soullessmates, Agatha and Sin. We woke up last night and smoked some dope together, like... like friends which is not something I'm fucking used to. Not the dope part, but the friend part. She's even letting me use her iPhone, which is currently charging because I almost killed it looking at the Suicide Girls website last night.

I am not used to staying in one place for very long. I'm a wanted bear, and wanted bears don't just hang out in a condominium getting stoned and fucking two dead girls. But I thought of a way to repay Mikaela for her hospitality, while fulfilling my own need for human flesh. I'm going to eat her neighbors, starting with Joellen then moving on to Martha, then the asshats upstairs. Then I am sure I will be on my way to an undisclosed location for a while. (I never did make it to New Orleans.) But I'll send postcards back and forth with Agatha and maybe Sin.

I'm having feelings that are not rage and I don't know what the fucking fuck to do with them. I'm supposed to be scary and evil. This isn't normal. I think someone's been sneaking Prozac and Quaaludes into my oatmeal in the morning.
suicide_bear: My lovely girlfriends. (Sin & Agatha)
I think I may like Agatha more than Sin. Oh well, Sin, deal with it. Agatha was an abandoned doll, like I was an abandoned teddy bear. She gets me. Sin's just an evil little slut. I like those, too, but I really like-like Agatha. She's my soullessmate.


Jul. 9th, 2013 07:38 pm
suicide_bear: An evil teddy bear. (Default)
I almost forgot. I wanted to share a song with you all. I find this amusing.

That's right Click the link. You KNOW you want to!
suicide_bear: An evil teddy bear. (SB|default)
Well, now that I've written that lovely poem about my carnal desires, and maybe jacked off a little to Miss Fucking-Turner, and am waiting for people to comment so I can tell just whose house I am going to creep into the next time I get hungry, and yes that means whatever you think it means, let me tell you what I've been up to since you cock-suckers forgot me over on LJ.

Firstly, I went back to school. Yes. School. Me. A bear of higher intelligence going back to school. And I've learned a few things. Firstly, math professors taste like shit. Shit and numbers. And let me tell you, numbers aren't very filling at all. And even when you add in all the X and Y and fucking teeny numbers above the other ones that they insist you use, they still taste about as nasty as old shoe leather. And believe me, I KNOW what old shoe leather tastes like because I got so goddamn hungry up in that attic that I actually ATE a shoe. And whose fault is that?

Ah well. Also, the coach of the football team tastes like dirty gym socks and viagra, neither of which is tasty either. Still the best thing to eat is cheerleaders. So peppy, so tender...and such beautiful breasts. I always was a fan of white meat.

But anyhow, thanks to my last meal, I managed to upgrade my technology. I have the latest model of iPhone now, with a goddamn pink Hello Kitty case. Give me about five minutes and I'll figure out how to break that fucker right off the phone, and then we'll be all set. And maybe Sin can find me some stickers of claws or something... But why do iPhones have fucking TWO keyboards. I want my letters and my numbers on the same keyboard.

OH, but the interesting things I've found on Youtube since you fuckers left me back there. I met a new friend. His name is Salad Fingers and he posts things like I do. Only he does videos. I think I'd like to meet him and maybe he could fuck me too. Those fingers would be wonderful for that, I think. He's sooo beautiful, and yet so traumatized, just like me.

Oh, and something else I learned in school. E=MC Vagina! Yes. I'm serious. E = MC Vagina. That's right, ladies. That's the formula for vagina. Sadly, I've as yet been unable to find the formula for penis. If anyone knows it, leave me a comment.

And now I'm tired of writing. I've got a full belly, and my iPhone. I'm going to crash out and juuust wait for comments. Nighty-night.
suicide_bear: A teddy in the attic. Text: Trauma: life in the attic. (Attic)
So of COURSE everyone left me behind and forgot about me, again. Fuckers. But now I've moved to Dreamwidth and plan to torture everyone I can. MWAHAHAHAHA


Blah Blah Blah

suicide_bear: An evil teddy bear. (Default)
The Bear